Now normally when I open my eyes to a long pair of legs in black thigh highs I get a little excited, but when I woke up and saw my ex-girlfriend towering above me I was nearly overwhelmed with indifference. Apparently I had fallen asleep where she left me the night before, and when she found me her only words were, “You’re pathetic,” to which I so gracefully replied, “No, you’re pathetic.” With a short “Pf” she left.
I had dated this woman for a lot of reasons: her looks, sex… ok, two reasons, but certainly not for her intelligence. A few giggles rose up from my gut when I pulled out my apartment key. It only took a few minutes to get all my things inside, and after a long nap on the couch I finally got around to calling up one of my friends, Larry.
“Just like that, huh,” Larry said after my shocking recount of the events.
“Yeah,” I said, “I was like, ‘you bitch, I don’t even want to live with you any more. I’m outta’ here.’" And that’s all there was.
“But you’re in the apartment now?” he asked.
“Well… yeah.” I waited for him to respond, but he didn’t. “Anyways, I need a place to stay.”
“Isn’t it your apartment?” asked Larry.
“Hey, you’re right!” I stood up in excitement. “Man, why didn’t I think of that! You’re the man, Larry!”
“That’s my job, bro.”
By five o’ clock I had moved all my stuff back into the apartment and her stuff into the hallway. I had just enough time to kick back on the sofa and watch some TV before she came barging in. “What the hell is this shit!” she yelled so loud that a few of my Lord of the Rings figurines I had put on the table fell down.
“You think you’re all high and mighty,” I said, not bothering to get up to look at her, “But you forgot one thing. This is my apartment.”
“You’re an idiot!” she said, storming through the apartment. “The lease is in my name!”
Was she lying? I couldn’t tell. “Yeah right, then why is it my apartment?” I said, not entirely sure of what I meant.
“I’m calling the police.”
“Hey, what’s up,” said Larry, “Did you give that bitch what’s coming to her?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said. “I really told her off, but, uh, look. I need you to come downtown and bail me out of jail.”
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