McGriddle Yub Yub

Thursday I had a McGriddle. Allow me to recount the experience.

Pre 9:30 - Because of my unpredictable and infinitely strange sleep schedule, I have not slept for about 20 hours. This has happened before, and the last few hours before class can become quite difficult. I decided that I can use the last hour before class to get a bite to eat. Hopefully it'll keep me awake, but it will surely give me something to do. I decide on: McGriddle.

9:30 - I arrive at McDonald's, quite hessitant. McDonald's generally tastes like crap in addition to being bad for you, but as I have always thought, "If there is hope, it lies in breakfast." So I push through the doors and approach the counter.

A quick review of the combos on the menu shows me exactly what I want: a McGriddle with sausage, egg, and cheese. It's a number 10, and it comes with an orange juice and hash brown.

9:35 - Time to order. I casually ask for a number 10 with a small orange juice, swipe my credit card, and move to the pick up line. There's some black guy whose job seems to be to stand around and put hash browns in the paper hash brown bag things. He keeps saying things to one of the cashiers who seems to be latin american, "Yo, you want dat pussy raped?" Or, "How about if I get up inside ya," along with countless other things. Constantly. The cashier just cusses back at him in Spanish with an occassional, "Shut up, Tyrone."

9:40 - I get my meal and sit down at a table. I unwrap it and examine this thing that I've never seen before. It smells pretty good. Looks like instead of a biscuit they have pancakes, and-- Oh my! Maple syrup, too. I bite into it and it is delicious. The sweetness of the syrup really contrasts and compliments the savory flavors of the other ingredients. This is by far the tastiest McDonald's treat I've ever had, and perhaps one of the best fast food confections in general. C'est magnifique!

9:50 - Hash brown and McGriddle are about 3/4 done, each, but the 450 calories of the McGriddle are beginning to take its toll. Each bite is agony. My stomach says no, but my taste buds are saying oh God, yes. The only way I can keep going is by drinking orange juice between each bite and alternate between McGriddle and hash brown, but my orange juice is running dangerously low.

10:00 - Hash brown is finished. Two bites of McGriddle left, but my orange juice is completely out. In fact, it had been out for the past few bites. I take a deep breath and take in the next to last bite.

10:05 - I finally down that bite and only one small, bite-sized piece remains. It's so silly that I don't eat it right away, but I really, really think it's a bad idea. I stare it down. I go over the consequences. Finally I pick it up and shove it in my mouth. Hastily I chew, and quickly I swallow. I've done it! I've eaten my first McGriddle. Not including the sides, that's 410 calories, 36% of my DR fat, 80% of my cholesterol, and 54% of my sodium. I lean back in my chair and bask in the glory that is the McGriddle.

10:10 - Glucose levels in my blood are soaring and my body is pumping out insulin like nobody's business. From one sandwich I'm probably on the verge of becoming a type II diabetic. I have 20 minutes to blow before class, and my mind feels rather sluggish. I'm getting burnt out.

10:25 - I wake up suddenly and take off to class. It's nice to get moving. I think it helps circulate my blood. At least it feels like it. I take a seat in class and after a few minutes fall asleep.

11:18 - Class ends and my stomach isn't feeling so hot. I really want to go home and take a nap, but I have another class to attend. Oh snap, I have to use the bathroom.

12:18 - Next class ends and I feel better. It seems that my McGriddle experience is finally over... or is it?

Shit

So I had a fight with my ex-girlfriend today. I mean, don't you break up with them so you don't have to fight anymore?

I was at some bar throwing down some beers. Yes, it's tuesday and I don't normally drink on Tuesday, but I have lots of work to do and am getting quite stressed. Anyway, I see an old friend from high school, and what do you do when you see old friends? Well, sometimes you avoid them, but in this case I wanted to talk to him.

So I went over to him and we started shooting the shit and getting caught up on the past few years. It was actually pretty cool. Then the girl in question returned and it became quickly apparent that they were dating. Unfortunately for her, he was quite engaged with me and had to tell her on several occassions that he'd get back with her in a minute.

She wasn't satisfied. So finally he said, "Sorry, man, this bitch is high maintenance." I laughed and in that comrade sort of way and told him, "Oh yeah, I know exactly how she can be," and winked. We both laughed.

"Bitch!" she stomped on my foot. So I punched her in the face, knocking her to the ground, "Who's the bitch now?"

She got up, and one thing that I knew from when we had dated was that she was tougher than nails. Maybe I should've thought it out further, but I figured my tae kwon do would be enough to take her.

I easily sidestepped her first downward slash, then side stepped her second. She went to kick me in the balls but I use a two fist, arms crossed low black. This, however, left my head unprotected. A back hand came quickly to my right cheek, then a slap to my left. Her left hand came at me with a punch but I was able to deflect with an inside to out block with my fore arm.

Wow, I hadn't used these skills for a long time, but they were starting to come back.

I follow the block and grab her arm with my left hand. Stepping to the outside I quickly locked the arm in place and rotated my entire body using its force to snap her arm at the elbow. She gave out a cry, but clocked me in the face with her still-functioning right fist. I could see that her fighting skills were coming back, too. She came with a quick side kick to my midsection nearly knocking the wind out of me. Next was a lightning fast round house kick that I was able to block with both my arms, even though it hurt like hell and knocked me a little off balance. Her flurry of attacks continued with side kicks, front kicks, round house kicks, punchs, knife hands, palm attacks. Some were connecting and others I was able to dodge or block, but too many were connecting and moving me back.

I found myself back against the wall and in incredible pain. The fighting had stopped for some reason, but the world was still spinning around me. I punched in her direction, but my hands just seemed to pass through her. Then I saw her arm cocked back and suddenly I end up on the floor, face throbbing. She grabbed my shirt and pulled me up to my knees.

"You're the fucking bitch," she said just before her side kick wiped me out of consiousness.

I guess I need to brush up on my techniques. I really should have done more to use her own motion against her. Oh well, maybe next year.